I don’t know what happened between Star Jones-Reynolds and her husband, Al Reynolds, to cause her recently to file for divorce, and I frankly don’t care about the breakup details. But I’m commenting here because I’d long wondered when Star Jones would get back into herself.
I’d admired Star Jones and all that she had accomplished for herself over the years. Then, I saw her on the Red Carpet at the Academy Awards in 2004, and, like many others, I was dismayed.
Instead of focusing on the stars she was interviewing, Star Jones was promoting her then-fiance’, Al Reynolds. Every set of questions she asked was followed up by “Have you seen Al? He is over there!” or, ”Are you planning to come to the wedding?”
I could not believe this was the same Star Jones who had first ridden to fame during the O.J. Simpson trial by letting her brilliance shine!
Where was she on that night ...and the many other days and nights that followed... as she seemed to publicly disappear?
Whatever caused Star Jones to finally wake up from the “dream” she was in, obviously, will guide her to safety, as she goes through this painful transition back into herself. The lesson from her should not be lost on us, though!
The Star Jones story is the story that we all will be telling, if we decide to sell out ourselves for...love, fame, or money.
Years ago, I read an important book by Sonya Friedan, “Men are Just Desserts,” that set the tone for my dating relationships. In this book, Friedan contends that women need to make ourselves the “main course” in their lives. Once they have done that, then men would be the “desserts,” we can take or leave. Too often, though, I have seen women sell themselves out WHOLESALE to men! (I can’t speak for men, because I have yet to see one do so, plus I’m not really privy to their inside “secrets.”).
Some women just don’t seem to be able to get along without a man. I truly don’t like passing judgment here, because I don’t know what’s really going on inside of these women! There has to be some hole on the inside that badly needs to be filled. No one would crave something if they did not think it would in some way benefit them. The true diehards, though, are those women with men who berate them or emotionally mistreat them in some way.
I know in his book, “A New Earth: Awakening To Your Life’s Purpose,” Eckhart Tolle talks about the pain/body relationship. I can only guess that this may be the reason why these women seem to be choosing the experiences that they do. Their egos need to feel the “pain” in order to sustain itself with drama and emotionally wrenching displays. Then the men who abuse these women, too, are into ego stuff... not feeling truly whole unless they have someone to belittle, because they feel so “small” in and of themselves.
I can’t relate to any of this. I walk away if someone seems even borderline insulting to me.
No one...NO ONE...should make you feel less than WHOLE!
If anyone does, then to me, there is no question... you should simply just walk away. You walk away ...and reach inside yourself, finding strength you never knew you had...and a friend you may have left behind, but who never left you!
If any, the only emotional baggage you should be processing is your own. Then, day by day, you should be focused on getting to wholeness, leaving no room to even entertain anyone else’s “stuff.”
Life is too short. The world is too big...with lots of loving, beautiful, awesome people...for you to have to put up with distressed souls looking to unload their “stuff” on you!
I won’t go into the details of Star Jones’ antics here, as they were heavily documented in the media. But her behavior was puzzling, and I could not figure out why anyone would sell themselves out in such a public way!
It seemed to me like self-sabotage at its ultimate. I don’t know where her awareness was during that time. It obviously was absent. And if any well-meaning person said anything to her, too...like most people who have lost their self awareness... she probably didn’t “want to hear it!”
But her diminishing sense of self was front and center for us all to see!
Star Jones retained enough of herself, though, and her legal acumen to have the divorce files sealed. So, we’ll always have to guess at what happened between her and Al Reynolds.
I’ll tell you one thing...we can’t say that she hasn’t given us all an important lesson to remember:
Don’t “shrink” yourself for anyone!
Namaste’,
Che’
NOTE: Namaste Publishing on 5/2/08, posted an insightful blog on "The Nature of Love". It deals very effectively with the entire issue of love and wholeness. Check it out! http://www.namastepublishing.com. Then click on "Compassionate Eye" blog on the bottom, right side of the page.
3 comments:
Star who? LOL! I don't pay much attention to this kind of media mess. What's the point?
I've been "happily single and proudly feminist" for quite a long time. I know that women have been taking the "blame" for all that ails us since the beginning of our awareness of ourselves. I hear where you are coming from in this piece, but I also percieve a little bit of "blaming the victim" too. Take this for example, you say:
"Some women just don’t seem to be able to get along without a man. I truly don’t like passing judgment here, because I don’t know what’s really going on inside of these women! There has to be some hole on the inside that badly needs to be filled. No one would crave something if they did not think it would in some way benefit them. The true diehards, though, are those women with men who berate them or emotionally mistreat them in some way."
I don't find it hard to understand "those women"at all. When everything in our culture tells us that we are NOTHING without a man, the results are that many women in fact CAN NOT live without a man.
I can't tell you how many times folks have tried to diminish me because of my singlehood. For example, I have a good friend, we've known one another since law school. He's watched me maneuver through great difficulty in my life. He has watched me raise my son quite successfully alone (My son is a Prince among thieves!) My good buddy knows that I have made a full and beautiful life for myself. Yet, until recently when I scolded him harshly about it, whenever we would talk, he had but one question for me, "Got a boyfriend yet?" LMBAO!
Another proud single woman friend of mine puts it this way, "It is like you are a slave. When you speak folks look around and seeing no white person (man/boyfriend/husband) and they ask you, 'Boy (Girl!) where is your master?"
LOL!
So yeah WE women struggle. Yeah like black folks, WE women may have internalized some of the racism/sexism. But part of how WE move beyond our hurt feelings is in solidarity with one another. I don't blame any woman who thinks she needs a man to get by. I don't blame her and I do understand her. I don't see an "other". I don't see "those" people (women). I see only us.
"men who watch in the
night see me coming and yell
the leper comes the
leper comes who will feed her
she without friend or lover." Sonia Sanchez
Peace Sis!
Star who? LOL! I don't pay much attention to this kind of media mess. What's the point?
I've been "happily single and proudly feminist" for quite a long time. I know that women have been taking the "blame" for all that ails us since the beginning of our awareness of ourselves. I hear where you are coming from in this piece, but I also percieve a little bit of "blaming the victim" too. Take this for example, you say:
"Some women just don’t seem to be able to get along without a man. I truly don’t like passing judgment here, because I don’t know what’s really going on inside of these women! There has to be some hole on the inside that badly needs to be filled. No one would crave something if they did not think it would in some way benefit them. The true diehards, though, are those women with men who berate them or emotionally mistreat them in some way."
I don't find it hard to understand "those women"at all. When everything in our culture tells us that we are NOTHING without a man, the results are that many women in fact CAN NOT live without a man.
I can't tell you how many times folks have tried to diminish me because of my singlehood. For example, I have a good friend, we've known one another since law school. He's watched me maneuver through great difficulty in my life. He has watched me raise my son quite successfully alone (My son is a Prince among thieves!) My good buddy knows that I have made a full and beautiful life for myself. Yet, until recently when I scolded him harshly about it, whenever we would talk, he had but one question for me, "Got a boyfriend yet?" LMBAO!
Another proud single woman friend of mine puts it this way, "It is like you are a slave. When you speak folks look around and seeing no white person (man/boyfriend/husband) and they ask you, 'Boy (Girl!) where is your master?"
LOL!
So yeah WE women struggle. Yeah like black folks, WE women may have internalized some of the racism/sexism. But part of how WE move beyond our hurt feelings is in solidarity with one another. I don't blame any woman who thinks she needs a man to get by. I don't blame her and I do understand her. I don't see an "other". I don't see "those" people (women). I see only us.
"men who watch in the
night see me coming and yell
the leper comes the
leper comes who will feed her
she without friend or lover." Sonia Sanchez
Peace Sis!
Night Eve:
I agree that our culture does promote that a woman should have a man at all costs! Like you, people have questioned my remaining single, some even wondered out loud about my sexuality, especially since I live in the San Francisco Bay Area. However, the focus for ALL of us is to get beyond this and within ourselves, where our true power lies. ...reach in...and pull out that strength from within. (I added this line to my blog...after I received your comment; I'd taken it for granted as I blog about the WITHIN so often!)
As a society, we need to celebrate women who are able to accomplish so much without a man beside her...women like you who are single and working through every challenge to raising your son to be a "Prince." I do believe you that YOUR SON IS A PRINCE...because he was raised by a beautiful, single mom, like you!
As women overall, we need to celebrate and hold up men, like your son who treat women with respect, dignity and courtesy. These should be our examples of the ONLY type of man we will accept in our lives. By doing so, we will send a signal to our culture, and society, that we no longer will buy into their stereotypes of the "poor single" woman. We will let people know that our singleness truly is a choice...and for which we are proud!
But the fact that we're still talking about women ACCEPTING less and being "VICTIMS" IS the point of the blog. Where are these women getting their SENSE of self from? There are enough messages on empowering yourself from within being promoted and highlighted in seminars and workships, and shows like Oprah's, that women should be more empowered to claim their good....instead of setting for less! Society and our culture can't be blamed for everything. We have all got to take responsibility for ourselves!
Namaste',
Che'
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